In our desire to understand, manage, or untangle our relationships, we are constantly trying to view them through different lenses, struggling to connect the dots: Is it about me or about him? Has the tension over the last couple of weeks been just a blip due to stress or the tip of the iceberg of some bigger problems? If I do x, will she do y, or if I stop x, will he stop y?
当我们试图去理解、管理或理清我们的感情关系时，我们在不断试图通过不同的视角来看待，费尽心力地想要理出头绪：
是我的问题还是他的问题？
过去几周的紧张关系只是因为压力而暂时出现的问题，还是一些更严重问题的冰山一角？
如果我做了x，她是否会做y？
如果我停止x，他是否会停止y？
Five Relationship Types
五种感情关系类型
But in order to truly make sense of the state of the union, it’s often helpful to step back in order to see the broader landscape. Here are five of the most common types of relationships: four bad, one good.
但想要真正搞明白感情状态，通常需要后退一步，以观全貌 。
以下是五种最常见的感情关系类型，
四种不良类型，一种良性类型 。
01
Competitive/Controlling
竞争/控制
There’s a jockeying for power about whose way is better, who wins the argument, whose expectations and standards do we follow, whose career is more important. There are a lot of arguments that quickly turn into power struggles, battles over getting the last word.
在谁的方法更好、谁赢得争吵、谁说了算、谁的事业更重要等方面，双方争权夺势 。很多争吵迅速演变为权力斗争，不战胜对方誓不罢休 。
Emotional climate/情感气候：
Tense
紧张
Underlying dynamics/底层关系动态：
Two strong personalities battling for control; self-esteem based on winning, being in charge; often there are rigid ideas regarding how best to do things, about criteria for success, for what makes a good life.
两个强者争夺控制权；将自尊基于获胜、控制权之上；通常对于最佳行事方式、成功标准、美好生活等持有刻板固化观点 。
Long term/长期而言：
These couples get tired of battling and divorce, or one finally concedes, or they both finally define their own turfs that they are in charge of.
双方会厌倦争斗，从而离婚；
或者一方最终退让；
或双方商定各自主导的领域 。
02
Active/Passive
主动/被动
One partner is essentially in charge and does most of the heavy lifting in the relationship while the other goes along. While some of these start out as competitive relationships with one conceding, more often this imbalance has been there from the start.
感情关系中，一个处于主导地位，且大部分时候都由他/她来负重前行，另一个只是配合跟随 。尽管这类感情关系有的一开始是竞争型关系，只是后期一方退让；大部分情况下这类不平衡从一开始就是如此 。
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There are few arguments, though occasionally the active person will become resentful for carrying the load or not getting enough appreciation. They explode or act out, but then feel bad and go back to the same role.
双方几乎无争吵，尽管主动一方偶尔会充满怨恨，觉得自己背负了太多，觉得自己没有得到足够的珍惜感谢 。他们会爆发或发泄情绪，但之后又会后悔，然后又会重新回到原来的角色 。
Climate/气候：
Neutral
中性
Dynamics/动态：
These relationships often start with the active partner taking on a helper role. Their personalities are guided by being nice, making others happy, being over-responsible, conflict-avoidant. As children, they were the good child. The more passive partner may be easily overwhelmed with anxiety, feels entitled or overwhelmed as an adult, and leans on others.
这类感情关系中，通常一开始主动方会扮演“帮助者”的角色 。他们的性格一般遵循善良温和、让别人开心、过度负责、避免冲突等准则 。孩提时期，他们都是乖孩子 。而较被动的一方可能会很容易焦虑、产生特权感（自我中心、以我为尊）或觉得难以承受成年人所面临的压力、并依赖他人 。
But sometimes these dynamics are less the result of personalities and more that of undetected or unrealized problems, such as mental health issues, where the active partner is always feeling the need to compensate for the other. Or when physical problems suddenly arise, such as a partner developing a chronic illness or physical trauma, forcing the other partner to step up and be a caretaker.
但有时这种关系与其说是因性格导致，更多的是由一些未发现的问题而导致，比如心理问题，即，主动方总是觉得自己必须要去补足对方短板 。也或者，是一些突然出现的生理疾病，比如一个人患有一种慢性疾病或受到肢体创伤，另一方不得不顶上去、扮演照看者的角色 。
Long term/长期而言：
The risk for the active partner is that she will get burned out or resentful and leave. The partner left behind either needs to become more independent or find someone else to take over.
对于主动一方，风险在于，她会变得精疲力尽油尽灯枯，或者怨恨不已愤然离开 。而被抛弃的一方或是需要变得更独立，或是会找其他人接盘 。
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03
Aggressive/Accommodating
攻击/忍受
Here the power difference is not based on caretaking, but on raw power. One partner is clearly in charge, and the other accommodates less out of passivity and more out of fear. While the intimidating partner will easily blow up, there is little real conflict. There is emotional abuse and sometimes physical abuse.
这一类型中的力量悬殊并非基于“照顾”，而是纯粹的力量压制 。一方占据明显主导地位，另一方的服从并不主要源于被动性，更多的是出于恐惧 。尽管恐吓方很容易爆发，但实际上几乎无真正冲突 。这类感情关系中，存在情感虐待，有时也存在肢体虐待 。
Climate/气候：
High tension; the accommodating partner is always walking on eggshells
高度紧张 。忍受方始终如履薄冰 。
Dynamics/动态：
The intimidating partner is clearly a bully who has anger-management issues. He or she may have grown up in a home with an abusive parent and learned to identify with that parent. Underneath may be high anxiety that translates into extreme control, or simply a character disorder that translates into narcissism, power, and little empathy for others.
恐吓方明显是在情绪管理方面有问题的霸凌者 。他/她童年环境中可能有一方父母是虐待型的，而且他/她也慢慢学会认同那位虐待型父母 。在这一切之下，可能是高度焦虑，而且这种焦虑转化为极端控制，也或者只是存在性格障碍，这种性格障碍转化为自恋、追求权力、对他人几乎无同理心 。
The accommodating partner may have grown up being abused and have a higher tolerance for such behavior. Intermittent behavior—the other person sporadically being nice—keeps the partner off-balance and fuels magical thinking: If I just figure out the right steps in the dance, I can keep the other from exploding. Unfortunately, they can never figure out the steps.
而忍让方可能在成长过程中受到虐待，对这种行为有着高容忍度 。好坏交替的行为——对方偶尔也会很好——让忍让方始终无法找到平衡点，而且滋生“神奇思维”：如果我只要想明白正确的做法，我就能避免对方爆发 。但不幸的是，他们永远不会找到正确做法 。
Long term/长期而言：
Either the relationship continues, or the accommodating partner finally gets the courage to leave. The aggressive partner will do what is necessary to try to pull the other back into the relationship. If that doesn’t work, the abusive partner will likely find someone else to replace the other.
或是关系持续，或是忍让方鼓足勇气离开 。攻击方会竭尽所能将对方拉回这段关系 。如果失败，攻击方很可能会找其他人代替 。
04
Disconnected/Parallel Lives
彼此疏离/平行生活
There is little arguing, but also little connection. They go on autopilot, with both having their own routines. The relationship seems stale, they have little in common; they are more roommates than lovers.
几乎没有争吵，但也没有连接 。感情处于“自动驾驶”模式（对感情维系和对方不用心、漠不关心，一切只是依惯例进行，如死水般缺乏激情），双方各自有自己的生活 。这类感情关系看起来很乏味，双方几乎无共通之处，双方更像是室友，而非恋人 。
Climate/气候：
Boring, stale, little tension, courteous coldness
令人厌倦、乏味、几乎无紧张感、冷漠客气 。
【常见的网络拓扑结构有哪几种（下列不属于教育现象的是）】Dynamics/动态：
Some couples fall into this type of relationship within several years. It may be that they married for the wrong reasons, what chemistry was there quickly faded, or they swept problems under the rug from the start and learned to use distance to avoid igniting any conflict. Others may move into this type of relationship with the mellowing that often comes with aging, and still others become child-centered, and once the children have left home, have little to hold them together. The weather, jobs, and updates on children become their default topics of conversation.
一些夫妻在数年后就会陷于这种模式 。可能是他们出于错误的原因而结婚，曾经的化学反应已迅速消退，也或者从一开始他们就刻意搁置无视各种问题，并学着用保持距离的方式来避免燃起任何冲突 。其他一些夫妻进入这种模式，可能是因为性格逐渐内敛柔和，这种性格变化常常因年龄增长而发生 。其他人可能只是因为孩子，而且一旦孩子离开家，两人之间就失去了联系纽带，天气、工作和孩子最新动态成为了他们谈话的默认主题 。
Long term/长期：
Midlife or older-age crises may cause one or both to feel that time is running out. This may precipitate arguing and efforts to either finally revitalize the relationship or leave. Or, they continue saying to themselves that this is good enough, or that they're too old to change.
中年或之后的年龄危机，可能会导致一方或双方感到人生将尽，他们可能会爆发争吵，或开始刻意用心，或是重新让感情焕发生机，或是离开 。也或者他们会继续告诉自己说这一切已经足够好了，或者告诉自己他们已到了这把年纪，无法再改变了 。
05
Accepting/Balanced
接受/平衡
The couple is able to work together as a team, complementing each other. They each recognize and actively accept the other’s strengths. They've got each other’s back, both are interested in helping the other be who he or she wants to be. They are able to revitalize the relationship when it begins to grow stale; they are able to solve problems rather than sweeping them under the rug.
双方能够像团队一样合作互补 。各自能认可，并欣然接受对方长处优势 。两人互相支持，都乐意帮助对方成为对方想要成为的人 。当感情开始变得有些乏味时，他们能够让感情再次焕发生机 。他们能够解决问题，而不是搁置无视问题 。
Climate/气候：
Caring, relaxed, though there may be some tense periods of transition
关爱、放松，尽管可能会有一些紧张过渡阶段 。
Dynamics/动态：
They may start out this way, or they may have started with any of the other forms, but through therapy or insight and resolve have worked to make things better.
他们可能一开始就是这种模式，也或者是一开始是其他模式，但通过心理咨询或深刻洞察，以及决心，双方努力改善了他们的感情关系 。
Long term/长期：
Midlife and older-age crises may arise, but they are able to work through them.
中年或之后的年龄危机可能会出现，但他们能够解决这些问题 。
Obviously, we are painting a bleak picture of the first four, but usually it’s not 24/7 grimness. There are either just enough positive experiences to keep the relationship from completely going under, or the responsibilities for children provide enough of a common focus or distraction to maintain the relationship for long periods of time.
很明显，前四种模式显示出一片凄惨之象，但通常也并非一直如此 。或是有足有正面体验，让感情关系避免破裂，也或者对孩子的责任感为双方提供了足够的焦点或注意力转移之处，让双方能够长期维持他们的关系 。
Also obvious is that the last type—accepting/balanced—is our gold standard, the ideal to reach.
而且，很明显，最后一种类型——接受/平衡——是我们的黄金标准，是我们想要实现的理想 。
Turning Things Around
扭转现状
If you find yourself in any variations of the four less-functional relationships, the starting point for change is realizing and honestly acknowledging the current state of the union. The next steps are taking active measures to change the dynamics. This generally means doing the opposite of what you are already doing: If you are a controlling or aggressive person, you have to learn to be more accommodating; if accommodating or passive, you need to step up and be more assertive. If feeling disconnected, you need to stop using distance to avoid conflict, to stop running on autopilot and instead talk about problems, to make an effort to connect and find common interests; and if in an abusive situation, to stop the magical thinking, define your line in the sand, and take steps to get out.
如果你发现自己处于前四种不那么理想的感情关系或类似模式中，
改变的第一步，是认识到，并且坦诚承认你们感情的当前模式 。
接下来，则是采取主动措施，改变关系动态 。
这通常意味着你需要选择与你当前行为模式截然相反的做法：
如果你是控制欲强或攻击型的人，那么你要学着更忍让一些；
如果你是容忍型或被动型，那么你需要变得更坚定更有主见；
如果你们感到彼此疏离，你需要停止用距离来避免冲突；停止感情的“自动驾驶”模式，主动谈论所存在的问题，努力连通彼此，找到相同兴趣；
如果是处于受虐关系，那么，停止“神奇思维”，划定界限，采取行动离开 。
Because relationships are built on patterns, on each person bouncing off the other, if you change you, you change the pattern, which may change your partner and the relationship. If you need help, get it—therapy with support from friends and family—so you can take concrete steps.
由于感情关系是建于模式之上的，双方是彼此影响的 。如果你改变你，你就能改变模式，这也可能会进而改变对方，以及整个关系 。如果你需要帮助，那么去寻求帮助——专业咨询，以及朋友与家人的支持——让自己能够采取具体行动 。
You don’t need to take what you are getting. Change is possible. And if not now, when?
你不需要忍受别人强加于你的人生 。改变是可能的 。如果不趁现在，待到何时？
延伸阅读：
乖乖女综合症
https://www.cnn.com/2020/07/29/us/what-makes-a-relationship-successful-study-wellness-trnd/index.html
原文链接：
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201905/there-are-5-types-relationships-which-one-is-yours
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